All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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