Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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