so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
