Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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