my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
