what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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