this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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