He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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