someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
