I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
