We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
