So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
