Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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