saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
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Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
why is half of my head shaved?
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