He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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