My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
