i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
