I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
