the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
