I seem to have left my pride at pride
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
