I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
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You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
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Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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