It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
In America we eat man semen.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize