My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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