If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
