If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
