She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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