Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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