he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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