I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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