then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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