party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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