so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
