D3 body, D1 cock
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
