I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i will never coherently bang her
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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