she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
