When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So much Jack, so little girl.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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