omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
