I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
