I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
