Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
