she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
