Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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