Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
