there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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