Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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