in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
