i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
this hospital has no fireball
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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