I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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