do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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