: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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