I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
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it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think i got beer on your cat.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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