if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
