I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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