he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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