if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
