if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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